10 February 2007
01 February 2007
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
We need to interrupt the Stephanie McIntosh song "Tightrope" to bring you this breaking story from Massachusetts. Our reporter Adam Sams is on the scene.
ONTARIO, HERE IN BOSTON WE ARE FACING A MAJOR TERRORIST CRISIS!
Do tell.
ONTARIO, THIS MORNING WHILE ORDERING A COFFEE AT A RESTAURANT, I DISCOVERED A MYSTERIOUS YELLOW OBJECT ON THE FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT.
What is it?
THAT'S THE THING, ONTARIO. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. IT APPEARS TO BE BUZZING, AND IT'S GLOWING A BRIGHT YELLOW, BUT IT'S UNINTELLIGIBLE.
Unintelligible?
YES, ONTARIO. IT SEEMS TO BE SOME SECRET CODED SYMBOL.
How do you know it's a terrorist object?
I JUST KNOW....WAIT A MINUTE, ONTARIO.
Yes?
OUR FELLOW CORRESPONDENT, ADAM JOHNS, IS DESCRIBING A SIMILAR OBJECT NEAR ANOTHER RESTAURANT.
You're sure it's the same thing?
YES, IT'S A YELLOW OBJECT, LINEAR BUT CURVED, AND GLOWING AND BUZZING.
And Adam Johns sees this object outside of another restaurant?
YES, ONTARIO. IT APPEARS THAT THE TERRORISTS ARE TARGETING RESTAURANTS. AMERICANS ARE KNOWN TO EAT OUT A LOT, SO THE TERRORISTS PROBABLY BELIEVE THAT TARGETING SUCH ESTABLISHMENTS WILL WREAK HAVOC.
How is the city responding to these incidents?
THE NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN MOBILIZED, AND...WAIT, ONTARIO...ADAM JOHNS IS TELLING ME THAT HIS BROTHER, HANCOCK JOHNS, HAS SPOTTED A THIRD TERRORIST OBJECT OUTSIDE ANOTHER RESTAURANT.
For the benefit of our radio audience, please describe these objects again, Adam.
OKAY, ONTARIO....JUST A MOMENT, THE STATE POLICE ARE CORDONING OFF THE AREA, SO I HAVE TO MOVE. AS I MENTIONED, THESE OBJECTS ARE OUTSIDE OF THESE RESTAURANTS, ARE YELLOW IN COLOR, AND HAVE A DISTINCT CURVATURE.
Uh, wait a minute...a question for you, Adam Johns.
YES, ONTARIO?
How many curves are in these objects?
TWO DISTINCT CURVES, ONTARIO. I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS A HIROSHIMA-NAGASAKI REFERENCE, STATING THAT TWO TERRORIST INCIDENTS WILL OCCUR, ONE AFTER THE OTHER.
Two curves, Adam?
YES. THE STATE POL-
Adam, how would you describe the color of the object?
THE OBJECTS ARE YELLOW IN COLOR. PERHAPS IT'S AN ARABIC SYMBOL.
Does the symbol sort of look like the letter M?
THE LETTER N?
No, M as in...Mary.
SORT OF, EXCEPT IT'S REALLY CURVED.
Are the curves arch-like in shape?
YES THEY ARE, ONTARIO. AS YOU KNOW, THE ARABIC WRITTEN LANG-
So, Adam, we're dealing with something that looks like an M, but arched, and the color of the object is yellow...or golden.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE GOLDEN, ONTARIO. THIS PROBABLY INDICATES ANOTHER ATTACK ON WALL STREET-
And these symbols are only found on restaurants?
YES, ONTARIO.
I'm lovin' it, Adam. Adam, I need you to go into the restaurant and do something.
TECHNICALLY I CAN'T BECAUSE THE STATE POLICE HAVE CORDONED OFF THE AREA, AND EDWARD DAVIS OF THE BOSTON POLICE IS ALSO HERE, BUT IF IT WILL WIN ME JOURNALISTIC FAME, I'LL DO IT, ONTARIO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
Super size me. And get me a Turner - I mean a turnover.
12 December 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
It took me a while of meandering through the back stacks, but I finally found the track I was looking for. From the Cure, A Forest.
07 December 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Hope you enjoyed that touch of Ronnie Reno singing that "my baby just wrote me a letter" song. Now we at KOER are not proud at all to present Gloria Allred, officially certified media hog, who wants to -
What?
Excuse me. Management (that's me, by the way) has requested that I make the following statement: the use of the word "hog" in the statement above was not meant in any way to be disparaging to obese people or Muslims.
CUTE, O.
Welcome, Gloria. So you've had a busy few days.
YES, O. YOU RIDICULE MY MEDIA APPEARANCES, BUT THESE APPEARANCES ARE NECESSARY TO PROTECT THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN CRUELLY VICTIMIZED. IN FACT -
C'mon, Gloria! Cruelly victimized? The so-called "victims" of Michael Richards' bad comedy routine were not forced to remain in the room, despite your bizarre claims.
BUT THEY WERE, O. AND, IN FACT, THE LAUGH FACTORY IS DEMONSTRATING AN INSTITUTIONALIZED REIGN OF TERROR, WHICH IS WHY THE LAUGH FACTORY ITSELF IS NAMED IN MY LATEST LITIGATION ON BEHALF OF NUMEROUS VICTIMS.
Victims? Which victims are these?
WELL, SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, O, I BROUGHT MY OWN AUDIO:
Give yourselves a big round of applause for coming down and supporting Nigger Night.
I'll be damned if the white man uses that word last. This is part of our culture now... don't take that from us.
Who was that, Gloria?
DAMON WAYANS. BUT WE'RE GOING FOR THE DEEP POCKETS HERE. IN FACT, WE ARE REQUESTING THAT THE LAUGH FACTORY BAN ALL COMEDY FROM ITS FACILITY. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN ENSURE THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH HORROR.
They have comedy at the Laugh Factory?
25 October 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Time for the experimental video feed again. Here's Justin Timberlake and band in Memphis, Tennessee.
11 October 2006
10 October 2006
09 October 2006
25 September 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
OK, here's the experimental television signal, which proves that I'm a sucker for pop, and that even without the explosions, "Incomplete" is a pretty good song.
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Sorry about that.
We just played Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Over and Over, and Incomplete.
Unfortunately, we played the Kidz Bop versions of these songs, not the real things.
07 September 2006
30 August 2006
23 August 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Next caller.
Whew, lucky we were on tape delay.
What do you mean, you'd rather hear Rick Dees scratching his fingernails on a chalkboard?
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Hope you're enjoying the Rarities show here on KOER, the place where you'll hear songs that you WON'T hear anywhere else - guaranteed. Let's look at what you've heard so far this hour.
We started off with the Finnish pressing of Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence," with Andrew Fletcher singing lead. Now someone has already called in and said that I actually played the even rarer Finnish pressing of "Enjoy the Silence" with Vince Clarke singing lead. I had to point out to the caller that Clarke's version, in which the vocals were recorded backstage in Glasgow, includes some muffled cursing from Gahan. Fletch's version was recorded at his restaurant, which explains the crashing plates heard during the second chorus. They can only do harm, INDEED.
After that we heard a true gem - Gary Numan's version of Cyndi Lauper's "Material Girl." As you know, this was recorded in 1997 in a bar in Orem, Utah. Luckily for us, Phil Spector was at the same bar and did a remix on the spot. He passed on doing any massed overdubs because he had to skip town suddenly.
I hope you guys liked the last two songs we played, from the Guns N Roses tribute band Buns N Boozers, formed late one night in West Hollywood by Lindsay Lohan on vocals, Flea on bass, and of course Slash on guitar. No, Karen Carpenter did not play drums on this cut, but I don't know who did. I think Lindsay did a decent job with "Patience," but she was a little weak on "November Rain."
Coming up next hour - an all Paris Hilton extravaganza!
[NOTE: WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, KOER WAS FLOODED WITH CALLS FROM MADONNA FANS REGARDING THE INCORRECT IDENTIFICATION OF THE SINGER OF "MATERIAL GIRL." THE DJ ON DUTY, ONTARIO EMPEROR, IS BANNED FROM KABBALAH CEREMONIES FOR THE NEXT 70 YEARS.]
28 July 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
I know it's all commercial Friday, but this is a commercial for an Ontario Empoblog discussion of this song.
26 July 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Welcome to KOER. I'm Ontario Emperor, and you just heard Alanis Morrissette's superdangdang ironical song thingie. Moving on, this radio station has been Cindy Margolisless until now, but that is going to change in mere seconds.
Um...
HELLO ONTARIO!
And we welcome Cindy Margolis to the program.
HI EVERYBODY!
Cindy, for those who don't know you, could you give us a brief biography?
ONTARIO, YOU ARE SO STUPID. EVERYBODY KNOWS ME! I'M AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY, A TV STAR, A SUPERMODEL, A SELF-MADE ICON OF THE 21ST CENTURY, AND, IF I MAY TOOT MY OWN HORN FOR A MINUTE, THE MOST DOWNLOADED CELEBRITY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, INCLUDING KRYPTON, XENU, AND KOLOB!
Did you say Kolob?
YES! IN FACT, IF THE RESIDENTS OF KOLOB BELIEVED IN POLYGYNY INSTEAD OF POLYGAMY, I WOULD BE THE MOST MARRIED WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!
All right and fine, but why did you visit this radio station?
WELL, O, AS YOU KNOW, I CONQUER EVERY FIELD THAT I ENTER. SO NOW IT'S TIME TO BEGIN MY RECORDING CAREER!
Your recording career?
YES. THIS PARIS WOMAN, WHO PROBABLY CAN'T PLAY POKER AS WELL AS ME, OBVIOUSLY CAN'T SING AS WELL AS ME, EITHER! MY SONG WILL NOT ONLY GO TO NUMBER ONE, BUT IT WILL GO INTO MINUS FIGURES!
Well, at least you get points for good taste. What's the song about?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT?
I have no idea.
IT'S ABOUT ME, ONTARIO! THE SONG IS "THE CINDY MARGOLIS SONG," WHICH IS THE BEST TITLE EVER FOR A SONG, DON'T YOU THINK?
I'm partial to "Yuma Starvation" myself, but that's just me. So you really think this song is good?
OF COURSE IT IS! LISTEN TO IT:
[sample of opening guitar from "Smoke on the Water"]
CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!
CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!
CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!
[recording stops]
Are there any verses, or just the chorus?
HEY! WHY DID YOU STOP THE SONG? IT WAS JUST GETTING STARTED!
Well, are there any verses?
NO. WHY WOULD WE NEED VERSES?
So it just repeats "Cindy M superstar" over and over again?
YES IT DOES. CATCHY, DON'T YOU THINK?
Um...how long is this song?
NINETY TWO MINUTES AND FORTY SIX SECONDS.
Ninety two minutes and forty six seconds?
YES. THIS SONG TAKES THE RECORD FOR THE LONGEST SINGLE EVER! MUCH LONGER THAN THAT "HEY JUDE" SONG FROM THOSE GUYS FROM ENGLAND. THEY WERE OVERRATED; THEY NEVER POSED IN PLAYBOY.
Um, Cindy?
YES, ONTARIO?
If the song is over an hour and a half long, it's not going to fit on a standard CD. How will you release it?
WELL, THAT'S THE MAGIC PART, ONTARIO. ALL OF THE CD PLAYER MANUFACTURERS AND DISC MANUFACTURERS ARE GOING TO CHANGE THEIR STANDARD FORMATS BECAUSE OF ME!
Are you really convinced that they'll do that?
OF COURSE! I'M CINDY MARGOLIS!
Well, time to move to some Bill Monroe...
22 July 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Next call.
YEAH. WHAT IS YOUR RADIO STATION GONNA DO WHEN THEY TEAR GUASTI DOWN AND PUT A BIG BURGER KING IN ITS PLACE?
Well, I guess we'll eat well. Unless we move the radio station to Barrow. If Bean can move to Washington, we can move to Barrow.
13 July 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Hey, we can cover technology here also! So why don't we? In this segment we're going to talk to some different VoIP providers. From the number of companies, it's obvious that there's fierce competition in this market. Let's start with a representative from VOIP Stunt.
THANK YOU, ONTARIO. YOU CAN USE OUR SERVICE TO MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS ALL AROUND THE WORLD. JUST DOWNLOAD OUR APPLICATION, AND YOU CAN MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS TO ANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON OUR LIST.
Wow. And it looks like you have a number of countries on your free list. But VOIP Stunt isn't the only game in town. Let's talk to a representative from VOIP Cheap:
THANK YOU, ONTARIO. YOU CAN USE OUR SERVICE TO MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS ALL AROUND THE WORLD. JUST DOWNLOAD OUR APPLICATION, AND YOU CAN MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS TO ANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON OUR LIST.
Impressive. But there are more than two players. There's also VOIP Buster:
THANK YOU, ONTARIO. YOU CAN USE OUR SERVICE TO MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS ALL AROUND THE WORLD. JUST DOWNLOAD OUR APPLICATION, AND YOU CAN MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS TO ANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON OUR LIST.
Well, it looks like all of the companies we've talked to so far offer a similar set of services. But this one, SIP Discount, sounds extremely different:
THANK YOU, ONTARIO. YOU CAN USE OUR SERVICE TO MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS ON YOUR SIP DEVICE ALL AROUND THE WORLD. JUST DOWNLOAD OUR APPLICATION, AND YOU CAN MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS TO ANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON OUR LIST.
Wow, that's...somewhat different. Almost like if all of these outfits are run by the same company. Well, let's talk to this French outfit, NetAppel:
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR ONTARIO. YOU CAN USE OUR SERVICE TO MAKE PHONE CALLS WITH NO FRANCS, ALL AROUND LE MONDE. JUST DOWNLOAD LE APPLICATION, AND YOU CAN MAKE FREE PHONE CALLS TO ANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON OUR LIST. OUI OUI!
Um...NetAppel guy?
OUI?
That's the worst Pepe LePew imitation that I've ever heard.
17 May 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Lordi, Lordi, Lordi. The latest from the Suomi people - and it's going to Eurovision. Cue the fake reporter:
When it comes to the Eurovision Song Contest, Finland is better known for its failures than for its successes. There is no doubt, however, that this year’s Finnish Eurovision entry will go down as one of the most engaging moments in the history of the competition. Win or lose––more probably win––the song Hard Rock Hallelujah and its performer Lordi will certainly be the one thing every viewer around the continent will remember from the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest Final, to be held on May 20 in Athens.
Hard Rock Hallelujah sounds nothing like most Eurovision entries. As the title promises, the song is melodic hard rock, a genre seldom associated with Eurovision. Lordi––the name applies both to the group and its lead singer––looks even less like an ordinary Eurovision contestant: more like a heavily made up monster hard rock band along the lines of KISS or Twisted Sister, or a group of characters from a gory 1980s splatter movie.
And yet it looks and sounds like a winning combination. Hard Rock Hallelujah is not only the most rocking Eurovision entry since ABBA’s Waterloo back in 1974, it also has one of the catchiest tunes. And Lordi surely puts on the best show since Björn Ulvaeus rocked his star-shaped guitar 32 years ago: not only does the band put rock back into the Eurovision, it also puts fun back into rock.
And this from the high-priced KOER correspondent in New York or Paris or wherever:
The lead singer, Lordi — a former film student who goes by his real name, Tomi Putaansuu, when not wielding a blood-spurting electric chain saw — is philosophical about the uproar.
The affair, Mr. Putaansuu says, has exposed the insecurity of a young country whose peculiar language is spoken by only six million people worldwide and whose sense of identity has been dented by being part of the Swedish kingdom and the Russian empire until gaining independence in 1917. Most Finns, he adds, would rather be known for Santa Claus than heavily made-up monster mutants.
"In Finland, we have no Eiffel Tower, few real famous artists, it is freezing cold and we suffer from low self-esteem," said Mr. Putaansuu, who, as Lordi, has horns protruding from his forehead and sports long black fingernails.
As he stuck out his tongue menacingly, his red demon eyes glaring, Lordi was surrounded by Kita, an alien-man-beast predator who plays flame-spitting drums inside a cage; Awa, a blood-splattered ghost who howls backup vocals; Ox, a zombie bull who plays bass; and Amen, a mummy in a rubber loincloth who plays guitar.
Dragging on a cigarette, Mr. Putaansuu added, "Finns nearly choked on their cereal when they realized we were the face Finland would be showing to the world."...
While other boys in Lapland were playing hockey, Mr. Putaansuu played with his Barbie doll and began experimenting with makeup. In film school he became obsessed with horror films and the heavy metal bands Kiss and Twisted Sister. Like his fellow metal heads, Mr. Putaansuu hoped that transgression would sell big. But he says it took 10 years to get a record deal because Finnish labels were so turned off by the band's appearance.
Under their masks, the band members are quintessential Finns. Awa, the ghost, is a soft-spoken blond who wears glasses and studied classical music. Even Mr. Putaansuu, who wears a black leather jacket when not sporting serpent lapels, says his music is closer to gospel than Satan. After all, one of the band's hit songs is "The Devil Is a Loser."
"Even if we lose the contest, we have already won," Mr. Putaansuu said. "Many Finns would rather have sent someone boring and acceptable than to be represented by freaks like us."
23 April 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Sunday night's alright for fighting, I guess. You just heard Madman Across the Water (from the album of the same name), and before that you heard Sugar on the Floor (from the extended version of Rock of the Westies).
Before that, of course, you heard Walking in the Rain by Flash and the Pan.
Next - Radioactivity from Radioactivity.
22 April 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Now you'll wish it were still Friday. For some of you, commercials may be preferable.
17 March 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
All-commercial Fridays continues with this advertisement for Ivory Web Design Services. With offices in Chino, Ivory Web Design Services will work collaboratively with you to get your web design right. And you'll want to work with us. You'll want to cooperate with us. We'll take your original web design and shoot holes right through it. We'll take the old web site down, then tell it to get back up.
[Sound of phones ringing as the KOER complaint lines light up]
20 January 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Hello, Ah'm Hillary Clinton. And ah know you're lissenin' on the radio, so you can't see that ah'm wearin' overalls and standin' in a field, but ah wanna sell you mah latest book, Plantation Life. Yeah, ah lived in the South for a real long time, so ah'm an expert on plantations. Massa Bill had a big ol' house by the river for eight years, so ah know a plantation when ah see one. Buy mah book. Cronyism is evil.
19 January 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Number one with a bullet, on heavy rotation - the McDonald's Middle East theme song.
06 January 2006
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
(As a part of all commmercial Friday, KOER is pleased to bring you this public service announcement from a dead person. Actually, it advertises a book with limited availability at amazon.com. Take it away, George.)
Hello, I'm George C. Heckman. Not Hellman, Heckman. I died some time ago, but in 1879 I was the President of Philadelphia's Presbyterian Board of Publication. Ah, 1879, I remember it well. No tango, no lambada, nothing like that. But even then, before God had to strike Dick Clark down, there was a problem with dancing. Here's part of what I said back then:
When any social amusement, fashionable custom, secular business or heretical propagandism threatens the Church with injury and society with demoralization, it is the right and duty of the Christian pulpit or church-court to use all proper means in a proper spirit to confront, expose and resist the threatening danger....
Honest appeal has been made to the authority of Scripture in favor of this amusement. It has been found in such a passage as this, "There is a time to dance," and in the example of such worthies as Miriam and David. A reliable writer, whose criticism my personal examination sustains, says: "I have consulted every passage in the Bible which speaks of dancing, from all which it appears—1. That dancing was a religious act, both in true and also in idol-worship. 2. That it was practiced exclusively on joyful occasions, such as national festivals or great victories. 3. That it. was performed on such great occasions by one ,only of the sexes. 4. That it was performed usually in the daytime in the open air—in the highways, fields and groves. 5. That men who perverted dancing from a sacred use to purposes of amusement were deemed infamous. 6. That no instances of dancing are found upon record in the Bible in which the two sexes united in the exercise either as an act of worship or amusement. 7. That there are no instances on record in the Bible of social dancing for amusement, except that of the ‘vain fellows’ void of shame alluded to by Michal, of the irreligious families described by Job, which produced increased impiety and ended in destruction, and of Herodias’ daughter, which terminated in the rash vow of Herod and the murder of John the Baptist." The sum of this biblical testimony is that the dancing approved was in every respect very different from the modern amusement bearing the name, that it was performed on great national and religious occasions by the sexes separately as a spiritual exercise, that its perversion to amusement was regarded as a sacrilege, and that in every case where it is mentioned as a social amusement it is associated with condemnation or circumstances of horror....
It has been argued that dancing is not expressly forbidden in the Bible. I think that is true; and yet even if it be true, of what force is the argument? Must we have an express declaration of the Bible to know the moral nature and lawfulness of every action, sentiment or custom? Have we any such declaration as to the slave-trade or arson or gambling or the theatre or obscene literature? And yet what mind enlightened by Scripture can hesitate to believe that these things are as forcibly forbidden by the spirit and implications of the Bible as they could be by direct declaration? Now, if dancing is hostile to the spirit of the Bible and to that life which the Bible enjoins, then it is forbidden by the Bible.
18 December 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
KOER BECOMES OFFICIAL RADIO STATION FOR NOSE IN THE AIR MEDIA
Radio Vastly Superior to Printed Word
GUASTI, CA – December 18 2005 - To nearly universal acclaim, KOER Synthetica Radio, an ersatz radio station in Guasti, California, has proclaimed itself the official radio outlet for Nose In The Air Media, the revolutionary media outlet that has redefined the blogosphere as we know it.
According to Ontario Emperor, Under Assistant West Coast Promo Man for KOER Synthetica Radio and long-standing Second Vice President of the Ontario Vineyard Village Association, "I am pleased that Annika of Annika's Journal has created Nose In The Air Media, a forum that serves to promote the impeccable broadcasting standards of KOER Synthetica Radio. It is obvious to all knowledgeable people that Nose In The Air Media needs a radio outlet, and we are prepared to validate the importance of this new media channel."
"This recognition," continued Ontario Emperor, "will not only confirm the superiority of KOER radio programming, but will also allow additional publicity for the revolutionary proposals of the Ontario Vineyard Village Association. While inferior neighborhood groups such as the Ontario Mountain Village Association are merely content with keeping Wal-Mart out of town, the Ontario Vineyard Village Association strongly advocates a progressive and therefore praiseworthy stance of banning all - repeat, all - emissions of carbon dioxide throughout the city of Ontario, California."
The new affiliation is not expected to affect KOER's Friday all commercial format. But KOER deejays will be encouraged to use really big words to effectively inflate their self-importance.
c/o KOER Synthetica Radio 87.1 MHz
1 Empire Way Suite 2525
Guasti, CA 91743
http://koer.blogspot.com/
Additional information on Nose In The Air Media:
http://annika.mu.nu/archives/144589.html
###
23 November 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
So the Empoblog isn't displaying. It's loading, but not displaying. Major bummer. So let's listen to some Carpenters.
10 November 2005
30 October 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Well, that's "Precious." Let's take a call.
HEY, CONGRATS!
Congrats about what?
YOUR MIX OF NEWS INTO YOUR RADIO FORMAT!
My mix of news? I don't know what you're talking about.
I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE ALL ABOUT IT. IT SAID:
"Synthetic News Radio
"by K. Emnett and C. Schmandt
"This paper describes a system that uses speech recognition and clustered text news stories to automatically find story boundaries in an audio news broadcast and provides a semantic representation that can match audio news stories of similar content. This system creates a personal, synthetic newscast by extracting stories, based on user interests, from multiple hourly newscasts and then reassembling them into a single recording at the end of the day. Interaction is via graphical and telephone-based interfaces, with newscasts delivered over a local area network or to wireless audio pagers."
SO I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEWS BROADCASTS.
Sorry, that's not us. All we have are editorial comments from the Ontario Vineyard Village Association. In fact, they want to use our mailing address.
BUT YOUR RADIO STATION IS MILES AWAY FROM THE VINEYARD AREA!
So? The Ontario Mountain Village Association is based on Vineyard Avenue. They wouldn't exactly be breaking precedent.
23 October 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
We seem to be having an equipment problem. This is a test.
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Well, today we're interviewing a member of the Ontario Vineyard Village Association. Sir, would you care to identify yourself?
NO.
Well, OK. What is the Ontario Vineyard Village Association all about?
WELL, O, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE HAZARDOUS WASTE POLLUTERS OUT OF OUR RESIDENTIAL AREA.
And how do you propose to do that?
WE PROPOSE TO CAUSE A STINK.
Oh, so you mean that you'll go to "every neighborhood meeting and every council meeting to speak against this insult to our homes, our neighborhood, our families, and our lifestyles"?
OH NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT. I MEAN THAT WE WILL LITERALLY CAUSE A STINK.
What do you mean?
YOU KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE LIKE WHEN THE WIND COMES FROM THE SOUTH?
Yes, that certainly causes a stink.
WELL, WE'LL JUST IMPLEMENT THAT FULL TIME UNTIL ALL OF THE HAZARDOUS COMPANIES LEAVE THE AREA.
But, even if you could achieve your strategy and halt the Santa Ana winds, diverting them so that winds come from the dairy agricultural area to the south of Fourth and Vineyard...wouldn't that inconvenience the residents?
OH, BUT WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE RESIDENTS. WE JUST WANT TO MAKE A GRANDIOSE POLITICAL STATEMENT.
Good luck, I guess...
22 October 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Would someone get me a decent set of headphones?
10 October 2005
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Yes, I know that Devo's "Going Under" has been repeating over and over for the last 30 minutes. I'm sorry, but I stepped out of the booth to conduct a job interview. I think I've found a new traffic reporter that I want to hire.
Captain Jack Briscoe
USMC (AWOL)
Traffic Reporter
Cap'n Jack is KRUD's Helicopter Traffic Reporter. Jack flies a "missing" AH-64A attack copter armed with 30mm cannons and "Fire and Forget" Hellfire missiles for dispersing traffic tie-ups. "We don't just report the traffic, we CHANGE it!" chuckles the disturbing captain. Jack is a highly undecorated officer and veteran of the Gulf War, where he was credited with 21 confirmed kills (2 were actually enemy aircraft). Unfortunately, no told him the war is over.
Maybe I can hire some other people from this radio station. Apparently they got some guy named Hunter that works for them.
"The radio business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side."
Hunter S. Thompson
