KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Welcome to KOER. I'm Ontario Emperor, and you just heard Alanis Morrissette's superdangdang ironical song thingie. Moving on, this radio station has been Cindy Margolisless until now, but that is going to change in mere seconds.

Um...

HELLO ONTARIO!

And we welcome Cindy Margolis to the program.

HI EVERYBODY!

Cindy, for those who don't know you, could you give us a brief biography?

ONTARIO, YOU ARE SO STUPID. EVERYBODY KNOWS ME! I'M AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY, A TV STAR, A SUPERMODEL, A SELF-MADE ICON OF THE 21ST CENTURY, AND, IF I MAY TOOT MY OWN HORN FOR A MINUTE, THE MOST DOWNLOADED CELEBRITY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, INCLUDING KRYPTON, XENU, AND KOLOB!

Did you say Kolob?

YES! IN FACT, IF THE RESIDENTS OF KOLOB BELIEVED IN POLYGYNY INSTEAD OF POLYGAMY, I WOULD BE THE MOST MARRIED WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!

All right and fine, but why did you visit this radio station?

WELL, O, AS YOU KNOW, I CONQUER EVERY FIELD THAT I ENTER. SO NOW IT'S TIME TO BEGIN MY RECORDING CAREER!

Your recording career?

YES. THIS PARIS WOMAN, WHO PROBABLY CAN'T PLAY POKER AS WELL AS ME, OBVIOUSLY CAN'T SING AS WELL AS ME, EITHER! MY SONG WILL NOT ONLY GO TO NUMBER ONE, BUT IT WILL GO INTO MINUS FIGURES!

Well, at least you get points for good taste. What's the song about?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT?

I have no idea.

IT'S ABOUT ME, ONTARIO! THE SONG IS "THE CINDY MARGOLIS SONG," WHICH IS THE BEST TITLE EVER FOR A SONG, DON'T YOU THINK?

I'm partial to "Yuma Starvation" myself, but that's just me. So you really think this song is good?

OF COURSE IT IS! LISTEN TO IT:

[sample of opening guitar from "Smoke on the Water"]

CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!
CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!
CINDY M, CIN CINDY M
CINDY M, SUPERSTAR!

[recording stops]

Are there any verses, or just the chorus?

HEY! WHY DID YOU STOP THE SONG? IT WAS JUST GETTING STARTED!

Well, are there any verses?

NO. WHY WOULD WE NEED VERSES?

So it just repeats "Cindy M superstar" over and over again?

YES IT DOES. CATCHY, DON'T YOU THINK?

Um...how long is this song?

NINETY TWO MINUTES AND FORTY SIX SECONDS.

Ninety two minutes and forty six seconds?

YES. THIS SONG TAKES THE RECORD FOR THE LONGEST SINGLE EVER! MUCH LONGER THAN THAT "HEY JUDE" SONG FROM THOSE GUYS FROM ENGLAND. THEY WERE OVERRATED; THEY NEVER POSED IN PLAYBOY.

Um, Cindy?

YES, ONTARIO?

If the song is over an hour and a half long, it's not going to fit on a standard CD. How will you release it?

WELL, THAT'S THE MAGIC PART, ONTARIO. ALL OF THE CD PLAYER MANUFACTURERS AND DISC MANUFACTURERS ARE GOING TO CHANGE THEIR STANDARD FORMATS BECAUSE OF ME!

Are you really convinced that they'll do that?

OF COURSE! I'M CINDY MARGOLIS!

Well, time to move to some Bill Monroe...