KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Dang. I forgot. You take it from here, Mister Sleaze.

THANK YOU O. IS YOUR ONE MONTH OLD SLEEPING TWENTY HOURS A DAY? WELL, THAT'S BAD, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, YOU DON'T SLEEP TWENTY HOURS A DAY. BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO TAKE THAT CAN OF JOLT COLA AND POUR IT INTO A BABY'S BOTTLE. WELL, SLEAZECO, DEDICATED TO SAVING TIME FOR SMART MOMMIES AND DADDIES, HAS TAKEN CARE OF THE PACKAGING FOR YOU! BUY OUR ACTIVE BABY BOTTLES, PRE-FILLED WITH JOLT COLA, TO KEEP YOUR BABY UP AND RUNNING!

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

I promise that this is not "Invasion of the Gabber Robots." But I was walking through the Montclair Target last night, and spotted Willie Nelson's 16 Biggest Hits CD. Ever since then, I can't get the song "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" out of my head. Here's a 30 second sample. Enjoy. And sing along:

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My heroes have always been cowboys.
And they still are, it seems.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin' dreams.

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Next we'll sing "Crazy." No, not the Seal version.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Heh.

That'll really increase the ad revenues, won't it?

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

The Laziest Men on Mars perform "Invasion of the Gabber Robots." Again. Blame Ed, I guess.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
It's about time that this esteemed ersatz radio station started doing a sports segment. If KWRM is going to cut Controversy down to one day a week or whatever, we're more than happy to fill the gap. So today I'm going to interview one of the youngest -

HEY, EMPEROR BOY! GOT ANY COOKIES AROUND HERE?

- one of the youngest sports heroes in the Inland Empire, Leonard Stob Junior.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Have a seat.

I'D RATHER STAND.

Now, Leonard, you are four years old, is that correct?

I'M FOUR AND A HALF! OR MORE THAN FOUR AND A HALF, WHATEVER IS BIGGER THAN A HALF.

When will you be five?

ON MY BIRTHDAY.

Leonard, why don't you take a seat? You seem quite jumpy.

UM, I'M AN ATHLETE! I GOTTA WORK OUT!

Watch where you're throwing those punches, Leonard!

DON'T WORRY. I HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL. AND EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN TAKING KICKSTART SPARK, I HAVE BEEN A BETTER ATHLETE.

Isn't that the nutritional supplement that has caffeine in it?

HEY, IT'S NOT STEROIDS OR NOTHING. IT'S PERFECTLY HARMLESS. I DRINK FIVE BOTTLES A DAY, AND I'M THE BEST ATHLETE EVER!

What sports do you compete in, Leonard?

RIGHT NOW IT'S JUST T BALL, BUT I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SOCCER SEASON! I'LL GET TO RUN AROUND LIKE THIS. WHEEEEE!

Leonard has left the building. Now in honor of Brenda Spencer, we'll play some old Boomtown Rats for you...

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Now a word from our fake English correspondent:

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Rising like an electroclash phoenix from the flames of record label implosions, Ladytron have returned with the awesome 'Witching Hour'....

Since popularising the electroclash movement pretty much singlehanded, Ladytron have dropped off the radar somewhat.

There're two reasons for this - firstly they've been undertaking a mammoth tour of the States and secondly their last record label collapsed and new album 'Witching Hour' almost didn't see the light of day.

But now here it is, due any day.

---

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Man, this phone won't stop ringing. I want to play Ladytron twenty times in a row, but - hello?

HELLO. IS THIS KOER?

Yes.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE TO A JACK FORMAT?

A jack format?

YEAH. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AT Z101.7?

What happened?

THEY'RE NOW MIKE FM.

So?

SO? EVERYBODY'S DOING IT. SO YOU SHOULD TOO.

What? Come up with a white guy's name, fire my announcers, and play songs pre-programmed by statistical scientists in Mumbai?

YEAH. IT'S COOL.

I'll stick to playing Ladytron over and over.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Next caller?

HEY, DOOD.

Uh, hey.

LIKE, I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE AUDIOBLOG AT THE ONTARIO EMPOBLOG.

That's right.

AND I SEE TODAY THAT YOU AUDIOBLOGGED TO THE ONTARIO TECHNOBLOG.

That's correct. I did.

SO WHEN ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT HERE?

Where?

HERE, IN THE KOER SYNTHETICA RADIO TRANSCRIPTS BLOG?

Oh, audioblog at the blog?

LIKE, YEAH.

But you have to read the title of the blog - specifically, the fourth word of the title.

WAIT A MINUTE, I GOTTA GET MY HAND IN FRONT OF ME.

Huh?

IT'S LUCKY YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO FIGURE OUT THE TWELFTH WORD. I'D HAVE TO TAKE MY SHOES OFF.

Ohh...well, have you counted to the fourth word yet?

TRANSCRIPTS.

Bingo.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Now that I have my own real radio station at 87.1 on the FM dial, I can design my own late night programming. Hence, "The Academy" by Massive Attack, which other stations are playing.

Good night.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
OK, while we're playing the video for "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron, you're probably wondering why a radio station would be playing a video. Valid question. The answer: because I feel like it. So, Matt Oakley, what do you have to say about the song?

'Destroy Everything You Touch' is the last mouth-watering treat to savour before Ladytron let loose their third album.

OK, can you describe the song, Matt?

The second single from the album is a ferocious assault of haunting imagery and ambience that will pack dance floors, like earlier songs such as 'Seventeen'. Helen Marnie eerily dispatches dark lines like 'everything you touch you don’t feel', while around her the tune relentlessly batters your eardrums with belligerent atmospheric FX.

Belligerent? So it's pretty hard-edged, right?

There is a gracefulness flowing through Ladytron's music that is lacking in many of their contemporaries. This is never more evident than on 'Destroy Everything You Touch'. Despite the aggressive, vengeful tone, you can't help but be drawn into the dark world within their music. Sit back and try to listen to everything going on in the song and you'll find yourself getting lost in some new-found effect or hook.

So how does Ladytron compare to their contemporaries?

Ladytron remain ahead of the chasing pack, ahead of the times, and you'll not hear anything this good unless it's got Ladytron's DNA all over it. Destroy them at your peril.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

And today we're interviewing an African religious leader via telephone. Hello to Prince Joe Eboh of the Church of the Painted Breast.

HELLO ONTARIO EMPEROR.

Hello Prince Joe. Could you tell me about your church?

YES, THE CHURCH WAS FOUNDED BY BETSY CARRINGTON A LONG TIME AGO. AND IT HAS BLESSED ME. I AM NOW MANAGING THE EXCESS REVENUE OF THE NIGER DELTA DEVELOPMENT COMMISSION.

Fine, Prince, but how did Betsy Carrington found the church?

SHE PROMOTED CHRISTIAN TEXTS AND BELIEFS TO THE MASAI IN KENYA. AS I WAS SAYING, I AM IN NEED OF A PARTNER -

But perhaps you could explain the initiation ceremony used by your church?



YEAH, THE 9 THING. BUT I NEED -

Why the number 9? Why not the number 6, or 2, or 5?

DID I EXPLAIN THAT I AM THE CHAIR OF THE CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE? NDDC WAS SET UP BY THE LATE HEAD OF STATE, GENERAL SANI ABACHA WHO DIED ON 18TH JUNE 1998. ESTIMATE ANNUAL REVENUE FOR 1999 WAS 45 BILLION US DOLLARS.

That doesn't sound religiously significant. I would think that 9 billion US dollars would be more appropriate.

I HAVE TO ANSWER AN E MAIL NOW. GOODBYE.

But I want to find out about - oh well. Who's my next callar?

I AM MR. WANG QIN OF THE HANG SENG BANK.

And I'm a dead rock star...