30 September 2004
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Well, that was some debate tonight between Kerry and Bush, and one thing caught my ear when Kerry said:
I know I can do a better job in Iraq. I have a plan to have a summit with all of the allies, something this president has not yet achieved, not yet been able to do to bring people to the table.
Intriguing idea, and I'd like to hear what you think of it. The call in number is area code 909, 555-5555.
HELLO, AM I ON THE AIR?
Yes you are. What's your name, and where are you calling from?
MY NAME IS PAUL MARTIN, AND I'M CALLING FROM ONTARIO.
Well, I'm broadcasting from Guasti, Mr. Martin, so I guess we're pretty close.
NOT REALLY. BUT I WANTED TO SAY THAT THIS SUMMIT IS A REALLY GOOD IDEA. IF KERRY BECOMES PRESIDENT, CANADA WILL SEND 25,000 TROOPS TO IRAQ, JUST BECAUSE KERRY IS A NICE GUY.
Why are you so sure Canada would do this, Mr. Martin?
I'M SURE.
Don't see how you can predict what a foreigner would do. Next caller?
HELLO, MY NAME IS GERHARD.
Hello, Gerhard. What do you think of Kerry's idea?
I THINK IT MAKES GOOD SENSE. IF KERRY BECOMES PRESIDENT, I PREDICT THAT GERMANY WILL SEND 100,000 TROOPS TO IRAQ.
A hundred thousand? That's almost as many as the U.S. has there.
I BELIEVE THAT JOHN KERRY IS RIGHT, AND THAT WE WILL WORK WITH HIM AND DO OUR SHARE. THAT HEINZ KETCHUP IS VERY TASTY.
OK. I still don't believe that all these other countries will send all these troops. OK, let's punch up the next caller.
GOOD MORNING. THIS IS VLADIMIR.
Vladimir? Where are you calling from?
A SECRET LOCATION. I KNOW THAT TERRORISM IS A WORLD-WIDE BATTLE, AND IF JOHN KERRY IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, RUSSIA WILL SEND ONE MILLION TROOPS. AND IF THE TERRORIST ATTACKS DON'T STOP IN TWO DAYS, WE WILL SEND TROOPS IN WITH POISON GAS AND
...Vladimir? Vladimir? The call seems to have become disconnected. But I can't believe it. If Kerry wins, he'll hold this summit and all of these troops will magically appear. Why? Because Kerry can pronounce nuclear correctly. That sways the internationals.
AND WE HATE BASEBALL TOO. I LIKE BASKETBALL THOUGH.
Who is the caller?
WEN JIABAO. AND WE WILL PROVIDE A HUNDRED MILLION TROOPS FOR IRAQ. AS YOU AMERICANS SAY, GOTTA LOVE THAT TAN.
I can't believe this.
ARE WE RECONNECTED? THIS IS VLADIMIR. WEN JIABAO IS CHEATING. HE HAS MORE PEOPLE THAN I DO. BUT I WILL STILL MATCH HIS ONE HUNDRED MILLION.
I feel like I'm at an auction. I'll take one last call. Now I understand that you are from the United States?
I'M A GENERAL!
Shut up, Wesley.
03 September 2004
[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
KOER would like to apologize for not airing any hard-hitting interviews recently. We tried to get an exclusive interview with Hurricane France, but Dave in Arlington, Virginia locked that one up.
WELL, YOU CAN INTERVIEW ME.
Why, Mr. Clark?
BECUASE I'M A GENERAL.
So I've heard. What the heck is a Swift Boat, anyway?
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SWIFT BOATS IN KOSOVO. DID I TELL YOU THAT I'M A GENERAL?
Well, time to play "Electric Barbarella"....
