22 April 2005

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Hello, I'm Pat O'Brien. Sometimes even jetsetters such as myself can stay at the same place for a long time. How do we occupy ourselves?

Well, when I checked in to this hotel, I made sure to bring the Clapper with me. It's really fun! I can spend entire evenings clapping on and clapping off, flashing my lights and disturbing my neighbors. Betcha Britney Spears isn't having this much fun.

Clap on...clap off...

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Hey, kids, what'cha doing?

Selling lemonade, lady, but nobody's buying.

You need a web presence, with GoDaddy!

What's a web presents?

You register a domain name with GoDaddy - even a child can afford our rates!

What's a mane name?

Godaddy lets bikers, paparazzi, or just about anyone add Internet services to their marketing mix!

You're funny, lady. But my older brother likes your t-shirt.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

Hey! This is Krystal Fernandez! Did you buy the Fan Jams CD with my picture on it?

Well, check out the new Fan Jams II CD - for when the fans get REALLY rowdy!

(sound clip) We've got the biggest balls of them all!

This CD isn't for BEFORE the game - it's for AFTER the game!

(sound clip) Dude looks like a lady!

When you're too drunk to care!

(sound clip) Beat it...beat it...

And there's even a picture with this CD...a NUDE picture! But hold on guys, it's a nude picture of Van Earl Wright.

(sound clip) Stay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be.

So buy it today!

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
(A special message from Simon Le Bon to the fans of Duran Duran.)

Hello, I'm Simon LeBon. I don't wear as much makeup as I used to, but I still remember the good old days fondly. That's why I want to tell you about O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao do Vegetal and the threat that they pose to my art.

And to my wallet.

Perhaps you've heard of this group. Did you know what the phrase means in English? It means "Union of the Vegetable." This is, of course, an obvious copyright infringement on the title of the Duran Duran song "Union of the Snake." Therefore I ask all true Duran Duran fans to avoid this group. Don't drink their ayahuasca. Drink the family's booze instead. Thank you.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
(Now here's Maureen Dowd for Jello pudding.)

For? I'm against Jello pudding, the symbol of a colonialist sexist racist hidebound fascist society. Did the people who make Jello provide unequivocal support for John Kerry? No! Forget this "for" stuff.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Dehumanisation is such a big word. Stay human and trash your dictionary. A message from the Christadelphian Grocers of Guasti.

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
For all British citizens living in Guasti, California.

"Tony" and "Tory " are almost the same word.

This exericse in democratic grammaticism brought to you by the Liberal Democrats.

21 April 2005

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]

To be posted on the following weblogs:


Unique Format Promises Immediate Improvement Over Current Programming

GUASTI, CA - April 21 2005 - In an unprecedented move in the radio industry, KOER Synthetica Radio has introduced an “all commercial format” on Friday mornings, afternoons, and evenings. While all commercial broadcasting is common in the television industry among stations that broadcast infomercials, KOER is believed to be the first radio station to embrace the concept.

According to Ontario Emperor, Under Assistant West Coast Promo Man for KOER Synthetica Radio, “This programming change will bring immediate benefits to the KOER listening audience. After commissioning surveys from the Gresham Institute, the KOER management realized that the listening audience was tiring of our synthetica play lists and our continuous harangues against traffic calming obstructions. So we decided to try something new.”

Beginning on Friday morning, April 22, 2005, KOER Synthetica Radio will cease all musical and editorial content for the remainder of the day. All programming will consist of commercials, except for the hourly station identification messages mandated by the Federal Communications Commission.

While specific ad buying statistics are company confidential, Ontario Emperor has indicated that KOER has received significant interest from firms wishing to buy commercials. “After the first Friday, we expect that business will increase substantially.”

Programming on Saturday through Thursday remains unchanged at present.

KOER Synthetica Radio 87.1 MHz
1 Empire Way Suite 2525
Guasti, CA 91743

Additional information on Ontario Emperor: http://oemperor.blogspot.com/
Additional information on traffic calming: http://www.geocities.com/otco909/


09 April 2005

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
Well, that was an interesting set. We just heard "The Guns of Brixton" by the Clash, U2's "Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me," that old song "The L&N Don't Stop Here Anymore" by the late Johnny Cash, and "Fire" by the Ohio Players.

But we've just had a visitor drop into the studio - Allen David of Inland Valley Food. Allen, I understand that you're trying to make a purchase here in Guasti.

That's right, OE. I'm trying to purchase the Homestyle Cafe, 2902 E Brookside Rd, Guasti CA 91743.


I want to open a restaurant of my own.

What kind of restaurant?

It will be called D's.

Dee as in Dee Snider?

No, D as in the letter D.

Oh, D.

Yes, it will be a unique restaurant.

In what way?

Well, when most restaurants are graded, they try to get an A grade. Even though restaurants in Guasti isn't grading its restaurants yet, I anticipate that it will someday. And I want to get a D grade.

Say what?

My restaurant will be the only restaurant that purposely strives to get a D grade. It will be unique, and it will draw the alienated crowd. We'll make big business.

But have you looked at the County's grading system? There is no D grade. C is a score of 70 to 79, and anything with a score of 69 or below doesn't receive a letter grade, and is in fact closed. For example, the Truckadero at 10238 Cherry Ave, Fontana California was closed on January 6, 2005, but re-opened the same day. So even if you got the grade equivalent of a D, no one could come in until the restaurant was re-graded.

But they could come in when the problem was fixed, right?


So if I maintain the restaurant at a C level, and let it dip to D every once in a while, then I'd achieve my purpose, wouldn't I?

I guess so.

Good! I already printed the business cards with "D's" on them, and I wouldn't want to have to spent another twenty bucks in reprinting fees.

Heavens no.

I mean, there isn't any point in naming it C's restaurant. There's a bunch of restaurants in Ontario alone that recently got a C grade.

You're right. For example, the Tokyo Tokyo Japanese Restaurant, 990 Ontario Mills Dr Unit H, Ontario, CA 91764, got a C grade on March 15. The Iron Skillet Restaurant, 805 N Euclid Av, Ontario, CA 91762, got a C grade with a 73 on March 2, which was better than the 71 it got on January 19.

Oooh. Sounds like competition.

I guess. Well, let's play Foreigner's "Dirty White Boy" now...

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