16 February 2005

[KOER Synthetica Radio Transcripts]
MODERATOR: I hope that you enjoyed our Public Image Limited marathon. But now we want to discuss the recent shooting up in Gresham, Oregon. While this shooting has some parallels to another recent case, the case in Gresham has some interesting twists which I made up for the purposes of this blog post. Because two-person left-right "debates" are so meaningless, I have assembled a panel of four, including an activist, a citizen, a progressive, and an American. Activist, we'll start with you.

ACTIVIST: Thank you for having me on your program, and hello to the citizens of Guasti. I hope that the police force here is more capable than the police force patrolling Gresham, Oregon. By now you've heard the story of Marky Canseco, a young, intelligent, happy seventh grader with a bright future, who was unfortunately shot by a nervous Gresham police officer early Tuesday morning. Beloved by his mother, his grandmother, his cousins, and his friends, young Marky Canseco had a bright future ahead of him...but no longer.

CITIZEN: You're not telling the whole story about Mark Canseco, who was in a stolen car at 5:30 in the morning and attempted to run one of Gresham's finest over. If that isn't assault with a deadly weapon, I don't know what is. And you neglect to say what was found in the stolen vehicle after it was recovered - a machine gun, a pound of cocaine, and nude pictures of Michael Jackson. Clearly this was a dangerous hoodlum. Do you want him to go ahead and run the police officer over in the car? Would that make you happy?

ACTIVIST: OK, he was in the car, but all of the allegations that this young A student was going to run over a police officer are just that - allegations. Until we see actual proof, beyond a reasonable doubt, that this actually happened, and that Marky intended it to happen, all of this is just hogwash.

PROGRESSIVE: Excuse me, but both of you are ignoring the critical issue in this entire affair.

MODERATOR: And what would that be?

PROGRESSIVE: Mark Canseco was sitting in a gasoline-powered car, was he not?

ACTIVIST: Yes, he was, until he slumped over after being shot.

PROGRESSIVE: And the officer in question arrived in the scene in a gasoline-powered car, did he not?

CITIZEN: Yes, he did. Gresham police have a lot of territory to cover.

PROGRESSIVE: Do you realize how much pollution both of those cars emitted into the atmosphere? Both of them should be required to apologize to all plant and animal life, and should be required to spend some time on a soy farm, trying to undo the ghastly damage that they have done.

ACTIVIST: Marky Canseco has not done any ghastly damage. He was student of the month in September -

PROGRESSIVE: On the contrary. During a typical week, Marky Mark and his reactionary friends have fouled the air and water repeatedly with their automobiles and their Red Bull and their processed snack foods. And the donut-devouring police aren't any better.

AMERICAN: That's for sure, but you don't state the real problem.

MODERATOR: State your case.

AMERICAN: You have a young kid in a car with a radio that can receive rock and roll and rap music, and you have a cop that is empowered to take my gun away from minor little things, and you don't see a problem?

ACTIVIST: There's nothing wrong with rap music.

AMERICAN: Be real. You know that Osama Bin Laden and the Hollywood Elites are using rap music to re-program our youth to disrespect God.

CITIZEN: Well, why do you have a problem with the police?

AMERICAN: I am my own police, in the tradition of our Founding Fathers. The Founding Fathers never intended people to listen to rap music and display their underwear. The Founding Fathers never intended for the U.S. to be under paramilitary guard by the thought police in blue. The entire citizenry needs to be re-educated.

PROGRESSIVE: I'll agree with that. People should not WANT to buy refined sugar.

CITIZEN: I don't see how this affects the way that the police protect our community from criminals.

PROGRESSIVE: We need to set up separate citizen councils for every police precinct, and restrict the use of force until the precinct citizen council reaches consensus on its necessity.

AMERICAN: No, we need to disband the police and set up block militias to enforce the laws. And while we're at it, no goats in their mother's milk. That should be punished by hanging.

ACTIVIST: I don't think your solutions will work.


MODERATOR: Well, we're out of time -

AMERICAN: I'm going to exercise my Second Amendment rights, and I'm gonna do it right now!

PROGRESSIVE: (sings) All we are saying...

MODERATOR: - and I'm going to beat a hasty retreat.

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